So this is more on the serious side of things. Some of you may already know this, but for those that don't, this is just a story about what I've been through in my life.
I wanted to confess, that since I was 12 turning 13, I developed a very serious stage of depression. It stemmed from one thing....the death of someone very dear to me. My godfather and my uncle Kenneth Dugan. It was the first funeral I ever went to in my life....and from there, things started to go downward for me.
What I thought was improvement, was actually a symptom of depression. I started getting self-conscious of my body and began working out vigorously, even going on a "diet" of sorts (consisting of no desserts or junk food for about 7-8 years straight). In my mind, however, it wasn't enough. I thought of myself as "fat" even though it was the complete opposite. On top of that, I wanted to become thinner and overworked myself.
So I took up Tae-Kwon-Do, which, in a sense, actually quelled my self-doubts. It didn't, however, get rid of these feelings. There was a good period of time when I thought that Tae-Kwon-Do was my salvation.....but in reality, it only made things worse. It made me become more and more obsessed with exercise, and I became so thin, it frightened those who cared for me. It took a long time for me to finally admit and realize, that I hated myself. No matter what I did was never good enough for me, and to this day, that still holds true. But I don't hate myself anymore....I am who I am. It took me a very long time for me to feel this way, though. I had no choice but to quit Tae-Kwon-Do and seek medical help for my anorexia, which was quite hard to break, seeing how long it actually took root.
After about 2 years, I finally felt "normal" in a sense and returned to a normal weight for my height and age. But the darkest parts within me rose again 13 months later, after getting my first boyfriend. When my boyfriend and I broke up, I was devastated, despite our claims that it was "mutual." In my heart, however, I continuously blamed myself and spiraled into the habits of bulimia. It was my only means of (it sounds pretty sick now that I am writing this out) "feeling a rush." Very similar to a drug addict, but in a way, it was far worse. For a long time, I was able to hide it, until my father finally confronted me about the matter. Once again, I went for treatment, and after about a year or so, I was able to gain a sense of normality. I still struggle with this habit from time to time, but not as much as I did before.
Despite getting "better" physically, I still remain mentally unstable. My depression roots deep within me, and I know full well that it won't go away completely. There are many other factors that cause my depression, but I will keep those private, for personal reasons.
I will say, however, that there was a period in my life where I wanted to commit suicide. And numerous occasions, I attempted to do so. However, I stopped, being too scared not only of the act, but of myself. In the end, I am glad I didn't do it. There were several people in my life that committed suicide, and left behind sadness and pain for those who cared for them. It opened my eyes to the truth....if I had done the same, I'd only hurt those who love me and those I care for the most in this world.
That's why I say this to you all....do not do anything rash. There are people who love and appreciate you, even if they have a funny way of showing it. Some don't really show it at all. But in the end, they do care. And offing yourself will only cause them heartbreak.
Just know that if you have strong feelings of depression and suffering.....don't suffer alone. There are others much like you. And they are more than willing to talk to you if you need.
Thanks for listening.
And take care, as always, guys.